To function well, I need parameters. I need structure. I need a plan and a direction. I need to know when I am on the right path and when I am going in the wrong direction. I need a firm decision. And, for some reason and right now, I find myself right in the middle of a huge "maybe." Ha! Maybe I'm getting all those "needs" I just listed confused with "wants".
I am still looking for a job. It has been five months. The time has flown by and we have been very blessed. It has been a time of self-awareness, a time of growth and a time of trust. A time of trust in what God has planned for us and a time of trust between Joe and me. From the beginning, Joe and I feel we have been faithful to listen to God's direction and have trusted Him to guide us and to walk with us on this path. And, I have felt peace. I continue to feel peaceful about where we are along this journey and I have no idea where that is. And, I have to be honest. I am tired and frustrated and just a lot frazzled. I think a rest stop would be very welcome.
I believe that God loves us when we pray and open ourselves to Him. I believe that now, more than ever in my life, I have tried to listen well and not throw myself on the floor in a fit of hysterics and shout a litany of all the things I need or want. God's will - My will. It's a constant struggle to give up my will and I know it is necessary - faith, trust, obedience - every moment of every day. I do my best. I just don't know what to do differently to understand where God is leading us - especially, when the answers seem to be vague and out of reach.
In the process of seeking a job, I have been presented with some really great opportunities. I have had interviews with five wonderful companies which have resulted in several call-back interviews with each. On the average, I have interviewed with each company for over six hours. Joe and I have diligently prayed that the right doors be opened and that we would know for certain - without doubt - that these would be the doors where God is directing our steps. We have walked through the door, everything has gone great and then, for whatever reason, we have been put on hold - sometimes perpetually, or so it seems. I have only received two rejection letters from these five companies. I have been diligent in my follow-up with each and, yet, the doors are never FIRMLY shut - they remain open and I have been asked to wait patiently and an answer will be coming soon. I don't understand why the doors are not shut when given the opportunity to do so. The positions have still not been filled. So, we wait and are becoming frustrated.
So, the question: What does it mean when God says "maybe"? I know that, as the saying goes, delays are not denials. However, I'm perplexed. Joe and I continually pray that God will reveal His will for us and to provide for us. We are anxious to follow where He takes us.
Yesterday, we had a visitor at our church that spoke only Spanish - No English. Come to find out, the young man is from Cuba, is here visiting friends and is a musician. After the service, I was just outside the sanctuary and I could hear this familiar hymn being played beautifully and prayerfully on the piano in the room I just left:
"All to Jesus, I surrender, all to Him, I freely give. I will ever love and trust Him, in His presence daily live. I surrender all. I surrender all. All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all."I immediately turned around and ran back to the sanctuary and just stood there and listened. Of course, tears were running rapids down my face. I couldn't help it. Oh man, Oh man. I was standing there like a parched garden being refreshed with a cool summer rain. Joe was standing beside me, saw my face and just gently squeezed my shoulder. Heart to heart - I think we were in the same place. A rest stop on this journey - a message straight to my soul. I surrender all...Maybe...
... I need to think about what this really means.