Ruminating

 Ruminating...

... is a good word. I like the feel and texture of it. And, the sound. I wish I could roll my rrrrrrrrrrrrs - and, I would like it even better.

The word has possibilities. It has action. It has motivation. I can even use it in a sentence...

Today, I was ruminating. Sidebar...I just looked up the word and I see most of the definitions are not so positive. I'm pondering why this is so. I guess the person who wrote the definitions doesn't appreciate the possibilities that come about during the process. To ruminate or to ponder - to think deeply about something?

As I said, today, I was ruminating. A while back, I posted on Facebook about the surprise visit of a skink on our deck and the fresh "partial" remains of a brown snake we found half in/half out of our rock wall. I expressed my list of vile creatures I don't want sharing my space (and, yes it is my space). I also posted pictures of the skink and the snake and then kept creeping myself out by looking at the pictures - until I deleted them.  My childhood friend replied to my post..."I don't remember you being such a candy ass." What? Well, to be fair, he knew me when I was ages 7-12 and, at that time, I even had a pet snake we found in the yard. And, the time I took home, and cared for, the two classroom iguanas over the summer after 6th grade. And, when we spent hours crawdad fishing in the creek behind our homes. We spent a lot of time together and I was never afraid of much. Hence my rumination - I've been pondering his comment for a week and I don't remember being a candy ass either.

What happened to me? He's right. I have tempered my oneness with nature. And, the risk-taker in me has done its best to disappear. When I was a kid, I wanted to be a race-car driver. I loved to go fast. My very favorite spot on the roller coaster was the very front seat in the very first car. I rode with hands held over my head and loved every screaming minute of it as my heart jumped to my throat with the first thrilling dip. I loved to climb trees - the higher the better. I was never afraid of much. But, now. I've let the unknowns sway my heart to keeping it safe.

It kind of stinks! Losing the fire for facing the fear. Or, is it true? With age comes wisdom.

I don't want to be the stick in the mud, the scaredy cat, the one to be so aware of my surroundings that I am unable to walk this journey of life and to enjoy all of the beautiful things and the inquisitive wonder that comes along the way. There is so much to be missed. I want to embrace life, embrace nature (except snakes), embrace the goodness in people, embrace the things that scare me - embrace the things that dare me to be stronger. I want to embrace God with a full heart; so, I can love with a full heart that overflows to encourage others to live and to love with a full heart, too.

So, I am done with ruminating. I am reaching deep. I am looking up and I am claiming the mantra "Candy Ass NO MORE!" Honestly, someone send me a shirt.